Nonviolent Communication Word Choice for Expectations
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), also known as Compassionate Communication, emphasizes mindful language to foster connection and understanding. When it comes to expressing expectations, traditional language often sounds demanding or judgmental. NVC offers alternatives that focus on needs and observations, creating a more receptive environment for communication. Let's explore how to reframe expectations using NVC principles.
Understanding the Problem with Traditional Language:
Words like "should," "must," "have to," and even "expect" often imply a sense of obligation or pressure. They can trigger defensiveness and shut down dialogue. Instead of fostering collaboration, they create a power dynamic where one person feels pressured to comply.
NVC Alternatives for Expressing Expectations:
The core of NVC lies in expressing your observations, feelings, needs, and requests (often abbreviated as OFNR). Let's see how this applies to expectations:
1. Observations vs. Judgments:
Instead of stating an expectation as a judgment ("You should be more organized"), focus on observable behaviors. For example:
- Judgmental: "You always leave your things scattered around."
- Observational: "I noticed several items on the floor and table in the living room."
Notice the shift from accusation to a simple observation. This creates a neutral foundation for further communication.
2. Expressing Feelings:
Connect your observations to your feelings. This clarifies the impact of the observed behavior.
- Instead of: "You're never on time; it's inconsiderate!"
- Try: "When I see that you're late, I feel frustrated because I've been waiting and it makes me feel anxious about the meeting."
3. Identifying Needs:
This is the crucial step in NVC. What unmet needs are underlying your expectation?
- Instead of: "You need to finish your chores before you go out."
- Try: "I need to feel confident that the house will be tidy before I leave for work. I also need to feel appreciated for the effort I put in to maintain our living space."
This clearly states your needs without blaming the other person.
4. Making a Request:
Finally, make a clear, concise request. Avoid demands or commands.
- Instead of: "You have to clean your room now!"
- Try: "Would you be willing to clean your room before dinner? I'd really appreciate it." or "Could we work together to clear the living room before we relax this evening?"
How to Rephrase Expectations Using the OFNR Model:
Let's take a common example: "I expect you to call me back when I leave you a voicemail."
Using NVC:
- Observation: "I noticed I left you a voicemail yesterday and haven't received a return call."
- Feeling: "This made me feel worried and a little unsure."
- Need: "I need to feel connected and that my messages are valued."
- Request: "Would you be willing to let me know when you've received my messages, even if you can't talk right away?"
By employing this four-step process, you transform an expectation from a demand into a compassionate request based on your needs and feelings. This approach fosters genuine connection and understanding, which are far more effective than imposing expectations.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):
What if my needs aren't met after making a request?
If your request isn't met, you can re-evaluate the situation, your communication, and your needs. Perhaps your request was unclear or you need to explore the other person’s perspective further. Remember, NVC is about ongoing dialogue and understanding, not about forcing compliance.
Is it always necessary to use the full OFNR model?
While the full OFNR model is ideal, you can adapt it to suit the situation. Sometimes, simply expressing your feelings and needs without a specific request can be enough to foster understanding.
How can I apply NVC to expectations in a workplace setting?
NVC is equally applicable in professional settings. Focus on clear communication, feedback that expresses observations and feelings without judgment, and collaborative requests for solutions.
How do I handle difficult expectations set by others?
When faced with expectations you disagree with, you can use NVC to express your own needs and boundaries respectfully. This may involve expressing your feelings about the imposed expectation and proposing an alternative that meets both your needs and, to the degree possible, the other person’s needs. The goal is finding a compromise, not winning an argument.
By embracing the principles of Nonviolent Communication, you can navigate expectations with more empathy, understanding, and effectiveness. This fosters healthier relationships and improves communication in all areas of life.