How to Retire as a Disaster Necromancer (at 16): A (Mostly) Humorous Guide
Retirement at 16? For most, that's a pipe dream. But for a disaster necromancer, it's… complicated. Let's face it, the "disaster" part of your job title isn't exactly conducive to a quiet life tending a rose garden and knitting booties. So, how does a young, ambitious (and slightly undead-obsessed) necromancer gracefully exit the field of… well, disaster?
This guide offers a humorous, yet practical, approach. It's not your grandma's retirement plan, but then again, your grandma probably wasn't summoning plagues of locusts to settle insurance claims.
H2: What's Your Retirement Goal? (Beyond Avoiding Jail)
Before we dive into the nitty-gritty of necromantic retirement planning, let's define success. Are you aiming for a secluded island life, complete with a legion of loyal (and silent) skeletal servants? Or perhaps a less flamboyant existence as a… tax accountant? The possibilities are (mostly) endless!
H2: Can You Actually Retire From Necromancy?
This is the million-dollar question (or, perhaps, the million-zloty question, given the potential international incidents you've likely caused). Necromancy isn't like quitting your paper route. You can't just hand over your spellbook and wish your undead minions well. This requires a strategic exit, possibly involving…
- Delegation: Train a successor. Find a suitably ambitious (and slightly unhinged) apprentice to take over your… less savory tasks. Think of it as outsourcing your apocalypse.
- Rebranding: Consider a career change. Perhaps your necromantic skills could be applied to… pest control? (Think highly specialized and ethically questionable.)
- Lay Low: This classic retirement strategy involves moving to a remote location, ideally one with little to no internet access and a high tolerance for unexplained phenomena.
H2: How Do I Transition My "Skills" to a Normal Job?
This is where things get tricky. Explaining your previous career on a job application can be, shall we say, challenging. "Previous experience: Managing undead hordes, inducing minor localized catastrophes." Probably not going to impress the hiring manager at the local bakery.
H2: What About the Ethical Considerations? (Aside from the Whole Undead Thing)
Let's be honest, your chosen profession hasn't exactly been a walk in the park, ethically speaking. A successful retirement requires addressing past misdeeds. Consider making amends, perhaps by using your necromantic abilities for… good? (Think resurrecting endangered species, rather than unleashing them as agents of chaos.) Or, at the very least, investing in some serious liability insurance (good luck finding a company that covers accidental zombie outbreaks).
H2: What are the Financial Implications of Retiring as a Disaster Necromancer?
The income stream for a disaster necromancer can be… unpredictable. You've probably acquired some assets in your line of work. But did you remember to pay your taxes? (This is a serious question; the IRS doesn't take kindly to undeclared skeletal labor.)
H2: How Can I Maintain a Healthy Work-Life Balance? (Once I've Actually Retired)
After years of summoning plagues and generally wreaking havoc, a balanced life might be a novel concept. Focus on hobbies that don't involve mass destruction. Perhaps gardening (avoid sentient plant life), painting, or competitive chess.
H2: What if I Miss the Excitement?
Don't worry, you're a disaster necromancer. Boredom is likely not in your vocabulary. But remember, a quiet retirement doesn't have to be dull. You can always volunteer at a local historical society. After all, someone has to ensure the historical accuracy of all those zombie uprisings...
Disclaimer: This guide is purely for entertainment purposes. Attempting to retire as a disaster necromancer, or even attempting to perform necromancy, is highly discouraged. Consult a professional (and possibly an exorcist) before undertaking any potentially apocalyptic endeavors.
